Control.. or lack there of.. 

You can try and try your very hardest at something and never reach it. You can change absolutely everything about yourself to try to get a different result. U can read up and learn everything there is to know with still no change. At the end of the day I’m learning I have no control, maybe one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that God is in control and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I’ve always thought I posessed some control over my life enough to make things the way I wanted them. Through negotiating (a skill my dad taught me lol) or simply making it happen by persistence and hard work. Lately I’m realizing, I just don’t have much control. Navigating life without control is tough and humbling. I go through all these phases in life of being taught new things and it’s like beginning again each time. My new mantra is “Do you the best way you know how bc that’s all you can do. The rest pray.” Each time I’m being shaped I feel so lost like I don’t even know how to be me anymore, pretty sure that’s when God is just tapping his hands in heaven waiting for me to come to him but being the stubborn person I am I choose to get lost a little more before I ask for help. I’m also learning the power of saying nothing. Simply shutting up and praying. I’m learning my words have little power but my prayers do. 

New stepping stones are always hard, I get comfy on one and don’t like to move. Once I have I’m just a bit closer to where I need to be and look back and think why didn’t I do that sooner. 

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