I’ve decided to “get real” about motherhood. In the hopes to encourage others that they aren’t alone or maybe just writing this for my own mental sanity, I’m not sure?
Motherhood isn’t what I thought, it’s sooo much harder. Everyone always told me as soon as they come all of these motherhood instincts would kick in. Well for all you other moms who felt like nothing ever kicked in, I’m with ya. Where you feel nothing, no overwhelming feelings of joy when you hold your child for the first time and when they cry you don’t want to jump up and grab them. Instead you’d rather just throw a pillow over your head because you just want the crying to stop. I was also suddenly super anxious! I would wake up in the middle of the night all throughout the night actually and check his monitor to make sure he was still breathing, I was just so terrified of him getting SIDS.
* I heard this awesome lady from my church speak on this and how one time she actually went out into the snow with her robe on and peeked in her child’s room from outside the house and had her moment with God when he was like what are u doing!? She said she realized she needed to just understand if they had passed away it was God’s plan and it wasn’t doing any good to wake up all through the night to check, she would just have to find out in the morning if that was God’s will. That helped me tremendously… giving up to God and letting go of all the worry. Realizing it isn’t my job to check if he’s breathing every 10 secs just trust God that he has your child and he has a plan. Really what good is that doing anyway!?
Then everyone said once u start feeling a bit better from having a child it will all get so much better!! Soo then my little chunky ADORABLE child was colicky… it’s the worst thing ever. Seriously. I’m pretty much convinced Satan created it to slowly torture parents until they feel like giving up and telling someone else , ” that’s it! I can’t do it.” Yep, I said that. Jon and I would take turns holding him for the 4 hours every night while he cried incessantly. Normally 8- midnight the dreaded hours of every day! Once we couldn’t deal anymore we would wake the other person up and say I can’t do it you have to. No matter what hour it was, we just HAD to take turns for mental sanity. I remember coming into our room crying because I was just so drained from hearing him cry thinking in my head I MUST be doing something wrong this cannot be what having a kid is like!! Thankfully I have family that helped us out too and my mom who had two kids who were colicky (don’t know how u did it) so she understood and spent some nights over here! Also my oldest sister who already had children came and stayed with me too, she would make me eat and help me get the night time routine with a child.
* Really there is no answer for this one except take it a day at a time, pray God helps you through it and get a really good swing to rock them lol. If your kid is colicky I’d love to know who you are so I can pray specifically for you. I think I’d also try vitamin drops next time too. I’ll say gripe water, colic drops and all the other on the shelf remedies don’t do anything. At least for us. Maybe one lesson is never feel bad or like a failure it is a really tough time. There are days u feel like u can’t do it. U can and God gives you help you just have to actually accept it when it’s given, don’t be proud.
Then things cooled off a bit and got easier and I finally started to enjoy motherhood after he was about 6 months old. I’m not sure exactly when I fell into PPD, because I tested completely normal when I went back to the OB. So somewhere in there it snuck up on me I think it was around the same time when he was colicky. At 6 months he would still have a really bad day here and there which would just send me right back into depression. It’s so hard to explain to someone why you’re sooo upset when your child is fussy. I think I was always just worried we would go back to the colicky phase and I hate feeling helpless. If they are crying I want to figure out why and remedy it, asap, I hate crying!!!
* I’ve learned postpartum depression really is no joke. Before this I had never once had depression of any kind and in hindsight I probably should’ve just gotten on some medicine but I was too stubborn and thought I could handle it. It wasn’t an every day thing so once I was feeling fine again I’d just forget about doing something about it. The best advice I can give on this topic is ask for help!! I would get so overwhelmed and it wasn’t even that tough of a day but it would just hit me on some days and there was no getting out of it. I have since learned to just straight up say, ” I can’t do it today, I need help or a break.” For me, that isn’t easy. I don’t like to ask for help or to put someone out, but in this case it is necessary.
Next we got the helmet — need I say more about that. I cried just thinking about getting this bc once again it felt like a failure why didn’t I do something sooner, was I doing something wrong to make it that way… guilt guilt guilt.
*** No I was not doing something wrong in fact I was fixing the issue, it’s just tough to see it on your kid. You can’t control everything that happens to your child but you can control your actions which was get it taken care of and move on! Get over how it looks and just be a good mom and do what’s best. Take it a day at a time and pretty soon that phase will be over.
Now we are at the phase of a couple words, he’s running everywhere, TEETHING!!, he gets super frustrated quickly but I’m starting to really see a little personality which is so cool. I’ve decided to “label” him as a high needs child lol he hates when I leave the room, always snacking on something and when you tell him no it literally is the end of his little world and sometimes I think he cries just to cry. Some days are so tough with him because he’s still working on words so I’m not sure what he needs and he’s not sure how to say or show me. Meltdowns are a daily thing lol. I used to think it was all on the parents but I will not judge another mom again whose child is just losing it in the store, I know better now!! And yea sometimes that’s me, don’t judge. Imagine if you were mute and couldn’t get out that you are so thirsty I just keep passing the drinking fountains and bottled waters in the store the pointing was getting you no where, eventually you’re just gonna get real mad. Some days I still struggle with feeling like an epic failure when he’s so upset all day from teething or who knows what I’m not picking up on that he’s trying to tell me!?
* what I’m learning- God doesn’t demand perfection, although your child might make you feel as though he does. He asks for my best some days I screw up and then he gives me many many more chances to improve. Parenting is like learning on the fly you’ve never experienced anything like it until you’re already in it.
Although there have been so many hurdles so far, most of the time I FEEL so very blessed to get to have a child. I love that he runs up to me and gives me kisses (loving this while it lasts, he is a boy after all). That he cutely calls me “Babe” instead of Mom because Jon calls me that. I love that he likes books so much. I can tell at this age he’s gonna be creative and I think (every mom says this) smart because he studies how everything works. He can already kick balls around and catch them so if he’s sporty he didn’t get it from me lol. Life is challenging but I think that is life! What makes life less challenging is when u realize life is bigger than you. When you realize you are here for a purpose and your child is yours for a season. You aren’t promised a perfect life without trials, you are just to follow God’s plan. When you let go your tight grip on your child to control every scenario and realize you aren’t in control. The quicker you realize that, the easier life becomes. **still working on that lol
Tripp is literally my favorite thing. Its that cliche thing that every mom says. It’s the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done. Being a mom has definitely changed me. It has made me question everything I’ve ever known haha
I’ve never worried more in my life. This is about how it goes: 60% of the time I’m hoping and praying I’ve got it right. 20% of the time I know what I’m doing. And another 20% of the time I’m losing it and don’t know what the heck I’m doing. This is why God decided there needed to be two parents I think. For those of you that have 4 or more children, you defy all odds I don’t know how you survive daily life lol
There are days I cannot wait til 8 aka bedtime. I’ve seriously had it with the day, the whining, the diaper changing, making sure they don’t kill themselves with anything and everything. And other times I want to freeze a moment and make it last forever. Like when they fall asleep in your arms and are so peaceful and pure. Or when you play music and they are just dancing all over the house, when they run up and give you kisses. Seriously, motherhood makes you experience every emotion and to the extremes! Sometimes you want to snap and other times you are so full of love you almost don’t know how to deal.
I know so many moms in my life, they are all amazing in their own ways. Each excelling at one or another thing. I love to watch something before I try it bc I like to be the best or at least know what I’m doing. I should’ve paid a bit more attention before having a child but I am just thankful to have many great examples in my life and hope to do an amazing job with my little man. Moms are so hard on themselves and now that I’m older I see how tough this job truly is! I’ve been putting off posting this for about a year now maybe because it’s super transparent, but it’s time. You don’t go through experiences to keep them to yourself, God can use it all. He will, if you allow him.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
This isn’t just a verse for you, it’s for your child too. He kinda knows what he’s doing, maybe just let the Guy do his job. Since he can see into the future and created the world & all.